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One night a torrential storm hits South Carolina. The next morning all the houses are under six feet of water.
Mrs Brown and Mrs Smith are on the roof chatting when Mrs Brown notices a lonely baseball cap floating on the water.
As she watches it, she notices that it moves to the house and then back out towards the front of the yard.
She stares at this cap for ages before turning to Mrs Smith and questioning her: "Mrs Smith, do you see that lone baseball cap floating to and from the house?!"
Mrs Smith looks at her and says: "Yes that's my husband. I told him that he was going to mow the lawn today come hell or high water!"
Joanne (19) aus Reading, UK
An English man and Irish man and a blonde are at a cliff top. An angel comes along and tells them that they are to jump off the cliff and whatever they shout out, they will become it!
The English man jumps and shouts out: "Eagle!", and he becomes an eagle and flies away.
The Irish man shouts out: "Dove!", and he becomes a dove and flies away.
The blonde moves forward, trips and yells: "SHIT!!!"
Joanne (19) aus Reading, UK
Two men and a blonde are due to be executed. They are to be put in the electric chair. They are told that if when the switch is pushed, nothing happens, they are free.
The first man comes in, is strapped to the chair and asked if he has any last words. He says: "Tell my wife and children that I love them!" The switch is pushed and nothing happens, so he walks free.
The second man comes in. He is strapped to the chair and asked about last words. He says: "Tell my wife and kids that I love them!" The switch is pushed and nothing happens so he walks free, too.
The blonde comes in and is strapped to the chair. She is asked about her last words and says: "Yeah, you forgot to plug it in!"
Joanne (19) aus Reading, UK
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond female neighbour came out of the house and went straight to the mail box.
She opened it then, slammed it shut and stormed back in the house. A little while later she came out of her house again, went to the mail box and again opened it and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it, closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her: "Is something wrong?", to which the blonde replied: "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying: 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL.'!"
A principal of a small middle school had a problem with a few of the older girls starting to use lipstick. When applying it in the bathroom they would then press their lips to the mirror and leave lip prints. Before it got out of hand he thought of a way to stop it.
He gathered all the girls together that wore lipstick and told them he wanted to meet with them in the ladies room at 2pm. They gathered at 2pm and found the principal and the school custodian waiting for them.
The principal explained that it was becoming a problem for the custodian to clean the mirror every night. He said he felt the ladies did not fully understand just how much of a problem it was and he wanted them to witness just how hard it was to clean. The custodian then demonstrated. He took a long brush on a handle out of a box. Then he dipped the brush in the nearest toilet, moved to the mirror and proceeded to remove the lipstick. That was the last day the girls pressed their lips on the mirror.
The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.
"Of course, my son", said the priest.
"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."
"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess", said the priest.
"It's worse, Father. I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors", continued the old man.
"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her. I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly", said the priest.
"Thanks, Father", said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"
"Of course, my son", said the priest.
The old man asked: "Do I have to tell her that the war is over?"
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:
Respect her, honor her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, tease her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, hold her, spend money on her, wine and dine her, buy things for her, listen to her, care for her, stand by her, support her, hold her, go to the ends of the earth for her.
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:
Show up naked, bring food.
Daria (14) aus Berlin
A guy went into confession and said to the priest: "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, I have four kids and eleven grandchildren and last night I had an affair with two 18 years old girls. I made love with both of them. Twice." The priest said: "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?" - "Never, father, I'm Jewish." - "So then, why are you telling me?" - "I'm telling everybody!"
Daria (14) aus Berlin
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were alone on a deserted island.
One day the Englishman found a bottle. He broke it and out came a genie. "Oh master", said the genie, "for ten thousand years I have been a prisoner in that bottle. I will give you and your friends three wishes. But choose well, because you may have only one wish each."
"My wish is quite simple", said the Englishman. "I wish to be taken home." - "Your wish is my command", said the genie and the Englishman disappeared. "Yes, I'd like the same", said the Scotsman, "I wish to be taken home, too." And the Scotsman, too, disappears. "And your wish, oh master?", the genie asked the Irishman. "I'm very lonely without the other two", said the Irishman. "I wish they were back here with me."
Bartholomew, 24.04.2001
What time is it when an elephant sits on your car?
Time for a new car.
Lilly (11) aus Blieskastel, 18.06.2001
Why worry?
There are only two things to worry about:
Either you are sick or you are well.
If you are well there is nothing to worry about.
If you are sick,
there are only two things to worry about.
Either you get well
or you will die!
If you get well there is nothing to worry about
and if you die there is nothing to worry about anymore, either!
28.12.2002
How can you hurt a blondie without touching her????
Put a 100 euro note under a glastable!!!
Herrmann (97) aus Hasnbergl, 25.07.2007
Teacher: Name four animals of the cat-family!
Pupil: Father cat, mother cat and two kittens.
iza (10) aus elmshhorn, 08.02.2008
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